I started this year 2018 out well, but then things happened. Life happened. Over the past couple weeks I have finally slowed down enough with some free time to reflect. My reflections have showed me how much I miss writing amongst many other things. I certainly haven’t done what I thought I was supposed to or planned to do with this Blog page. Mostly they have left me wondering what happened to the woman at the beginning 2018 as evidenced by my previous post. Then I realize life didn’t just happen, it was more than “just life”. Don’t get me wrong, busyness, kids, sports activities, chores, work and general “adulting”, all of that did happen; but, what happened was deeper than just “life”. This is only a small part of the story but the part that pertains to the coming New Year for me. The rest will follow later in pieces because God started it and it’s not finished.
There are two parts to this picture posted, to this story; and the book “Uninvited” by Lysa TerKeurst is how I’m spending my New Year. Two days ago, God lead me back to this book. I immediately knew I was supposed to read it, but there’s a valuable lesson attached, for me it feels like a sad part of the story. I’ve been trying to grasp God’s love and learning some lessons in God’s love for me, the real ME for several months. It’s funny how just when you think you might “have it” something else surfaces.
The irony….. at the beginning of this year God used someone I hardly knew, practically a stranger, to tell me I needed to read this book, “Uninvited”. I read the subtitle under the title as pictured, and thought to myself, “That’s not me. God’s healed the rejection I felt all my life, and I know how much he loves me.” (Pride/I should have recognized the “that’s not you” lie attached) While God may have healed some of it, I soon learned otherwise. Followed by the struggle of learning to grasp His love for ME, the real raw me.
The struggle really began in July when I had to deal with some personal issues uprooted by an episode of rejection, imagine that. Family member induced rejection, which to me is far worse than most. There is something deep about rejection that comes from family members, especially when it comes from the one you trust the most or least expect it from. Carrying this hurt caused a whirlwind, one I could write about separately. This episode, not only caused a feeling of decreased value but dug up many past hurts I realized I had not yet dealt with. If I am honest, I have since dealt with much of it, but I am still in the process. I’ve dealt with it alone. People pretending to care and telling me they are there but where were they, only deepening this rejection. I have never in my life felt more alone or let down by so many than I have in the last 6 months of my life, ever. It hurts, I won’t lie. This has been perhaps one of the loneliest seasons and things I have ever gone through. But…… there’s redemption and healing. And….
I learned over the past several months due to the hard lonely times, that I apparently had not faced all of the rejection in my life as I had thought. No, no, I wasn’t there yet, God was not done peeling back layers and well is not. I’m still working on it, and perhaps this is something we are always working on, yet I don’t believe that is His will for us and I feel like I’m finally on the verge of breakthrough.
The valuable lesson I learned ….. had I listened at the beginning of this year, maybe I would have overcome this much deeper healing I needed sooner, maybe I would have dealt with the situations that I faced mid-year better, maybe I would be much further, further in this wilderness and closer to the promises, and maybe I wouldn’t have failed so many times in between. It’s been a hard season, this wilderness, but I’m learning. After all the wilderness is often where He teaches us, right. I’m learning and have Learned some very valuable lessons. I’m not perfect, I Fail and I make mistakes, I have regrets, I’ve made bad choices and now it’s time to greet honesty with no makeup. To really understand what grace is and Gods love is for me, the real flawed me, because maybe I just haven’t “gotten it” completely yet, but I’m getting there. I thought I had. Maybe it’s time to face honesty and deal with the deep hurt I’ve buried for so long.
So when God sends someone you hardly know into your life and they tell you to read something, just read it. Whether you think you need it or not, otherwise later you may regret it. Yet, I am not sure I can say regret is the best word because He makes everything beautiful in His time and He already knew I would be here in this moment. Perhaps, had that person not told me to read the book at the beginning of the year and planted the seed, when I saw it on the shelf and needed it the most just maybe I would have brushed it off. If I am being real and know myself, but maybe I wasn’t ready yet to process it. Who knows… We shall see. Stay tuned.
The keys….three years ago God gave me the word “Fearless” and the key pictured. I have learned to grasp this word and to live my life just as so. I have begun to thread that same fearless living into my daughter. My daughter asked me to get her a “fearless key just like” mine for Christmas. I made a mistake in ordering the keys and forgot to change the name of the key when ordering it. It wasn’t identical to mine either. That said, I realized it was time to actually pass my Fearless key onto my daughter as I teach her to live her life fearlessly.
Then over the course of the last couple months the word “Enough” has not stopped coming up as I have dealt with so many things and this love thing has been such a battle. Then the new key… ENOUGH. So here’s to ENOUGH AND LEARNING TO LIVE LOVED more than I grasp now. So that I can finally live free from ALL the Roots of rejection in my life. Maybe, just maybe, I will finally have the full restoration in my life I have so longed for this year. So here’s to not just a healthier physical version of me that I have been striving for but the spiritual as well. I am glad 2018 is over and I’m hopeful for good things, even the impossible things of Ephesians 3:20 in 2019!
” Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” Ephesians 3:20 (NKJV)